While chatting with a friend of mine, the subject of love came up. Don’t ask why, but it did. I pride myself with my art of the written word. The same cannot be said with verbalizing my thoughts. I blanked. Utterly and completely lost my brain. It was frustrating and awkward as hell for me. I mean, seriously, I write for (part of) a living. How could I not put a sentence together about how my first real boyfriend got into my brain? It’s simple, really. Love.
Those four letters send me into a bundle of knots. Why? Because I haven’t had the best of luck when it comes to the subject. But back to the original question: How did that guy get in my head/heart all those years ago? Of course, I went with the obvious things I could remember about my high school love. He was a musician who wrote me songs; he accepted me for me; he made me feel wanted; he had a rockin’…er…body (among other things); and when I met his eyes, I felt at home.
I’m happy to say my definition of love has expanded from what my 17yr old brain thought love was. I know you were worried there for a minute. Now, 11 years later, I can see exactly why I fell in love with him. But only after wallowing in how mute I become when the love subject arises, naturally. I’m a writer. I never proclaimed to be good at on the spot questions unless I’m acting at the theater but that’s a whole other blog post we’ll get to another day.
Love comes in different shapes, sizes, and depths. I’ve learned a lot since my first love experience. I posted a link on my Instagram this morning that perfectly describes how I love. I couldn’t come up with the words yesterday during my friendly conversation because… dur… I like to think over responses before I say them. Must be a writer/introvert thing about me. Anyway, I love deep. So deep that it hurts. As you can guess, a heartbreak with deep love is even worse. Sometimes, I hate how I love because I’ve had to learn to box that love away in fear of exposing the power once more. The sad reality is too many use and abuse the love.
I’ll try not to get too metaphorical here, but imagine a castle with a dragon. As per the fairy tale, I’m the queen (Yes, queen. I don’t need a man to rule) inside. In the beginning, the dragon is just a sprite and drawbridge is down. As time progresses and heartache intensifies, the dragon grows larger and additional walls are built to protect the queen because each man she dares to love steals little pieces of her heart when they leave. It’s a fortress now with an enormous dragon and deadly moat.
So, to answer my friend’s question of how did that guy got my heart and head, I can honestly say it’s because I had rose-colored glasses when it came to what I thought love should be. Love isn’t a guy singing in your voicemail or even a kiss that makes your toes curl. They may be facets that show bits of love, but shallow acts aren’t love. For me, love is accepting someone (as screwed up as they may be) and continuously choosing them. Looks fade, love shouldn’t.
I’m a deep lover. I don’t want to fall in love because I’m afraid of what will happen if/when love fails. I do a lot of divorce law for my day job, but I’ve been jaded by this for a while. Still, I crave love. A deep love like I can offer. It’s the fear of losing that deep love and another chunk of my heart that keeps me from falling. The heart tattoo on my shoulder may look like a tribal thing, but it wasn’t meant to be one. It shows the divots of heartbreak. No matter how one might try to push the pieces back in place, it’s a tattoo just like it’s heartache. You can’t put it back together. You can only hope to find a love that will help fill in the cracks others made.
Maybe, just maybe, there’s a guy out there who can befriend the dragon outside the kick-ass castle. Maybe, he’s patient and won’t give up when feelings are deflected. And maybe, I’ll realize that some guys are worth the pain. I don’t need a prince charming. I can write one of those any day. I’ll take a flawed man with a genuine heart.
Want to know about deep love? Check out this article.
All right, so this is probably the most personal and open blog post I’ve written here. I’ll be sure to post something light next 😉
Enjoy your weekend.